the Recalcitrant Beagle

Summer of Hope

2010-06-07T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hope is not historically one of my favorite words.

Despite numerous pleasant associations, namely Star Wars episode IV A New Hope, countless poems of merit featuring hope as a theme, and the very definition itself, I have often likened hope that passive, wishful thinking sort of optimism which, when exposed to it, has generally left me wondering "Well, it's awfully nice that you are hoping for X, Y, or Z...but what are you actually doing to attain it?"

That said, (and with a sentence that verges on Faulknerian in length) I find myself tending a certain number of hopes for this summer that is more or less upon us.
*
I hope that Evie enjoys the great summer vacation my mother has planned for her. Evie had a wonderful 2nd grade school year. She has grown tremendously, in maturity as well as height, and certainly deserves a break. This summer will include her first time flying alone, her first time attending an overnight camp (the same camp I attended for 8 years), as well as a host of other camps and activities. I imagine she will come back taller and more savvy than ever, to say nothing of tanner from trips to the poolside and beach. We have worked all year long to tend our level-headed yet still impish, leggy flower and I send her off knowing she's capable of handling herself.
*
I hope I'm going improve my work situation this summer, whether that entails a return to the classroom (hurray I have my teaching credentials again), a correctional position closer to home, or something else entirely. One of the steps in this process will be going back onto shift (12 hour days, 4 on, 4 off) to free up weekday job-hunting opportunities and avoid an atrocious new schedule at my current position. While the long-term goal is getting myself back into teaching, I am realistic enough to realize are other options to consider in the short term, so long as they involve an end to this horrid and wasteful commute I've endured for over 2 years.
*
I'm also hoping Michelle and I are going to use the kid-free summer to get some quality "us" time. While one might assume that's a forgone conclusion with Evie away in CA, history has proven otherwise. I've been coming up with a list of activities for the two of us, ranging from daily mundane stuff (evening swims) to more exotic adventures (Michelle mentioned kayaking and I want us to take the Jeep off-roading).

As I said, I'm not really one for the pinning of hopes, but there you have it. For lack of a better word, my three hopes for this summer.

Meet you at the 50!
B.

Be cows nothing can stop the man....

2009-08-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago a post was done here and then followed up on my blog of a little writing amusement found within the bars of prison. Last night The Recalcitrant Beagle brought home another sweet note of entertainment. We love this guy, he's a raving moron of epic proportion. I think he's in for attempted murder but I forget. He's in for life though and really that's all that matters. Here I have scanned in his most recent pre-school writing nightmare. I had to stare at it for a few seconds because my brain kept doing this auto-spell spell self correct and all I could see was what should have been liter. But no he meant letter. GOOD GAWD WTF? Gow's? GOW'S?! Who the hell doesn't know how to spell goes? Oh that's right, max security morons who insist that it wasn't them that did the crime. As far as I'm concerned I could care less if he did it, spelling like this should not be allowed into the general population. Ever. And these guys have access to schools, reading material and what not. Do they use it? I guess not. Probably too busy enjoying their summer camp like atmosphere in the lovely Texas Dept of Criminal Justice. Where they are not allowed cell phones but instead recently had phones installed in their day rooms. Shit my college dorms weren't as sweet. Probably just as high likelyhood of getting raped though huh?

OBrien's: fine beer, tasty food, and good company

2009-08-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

OBrien's is my father-in-law's favorite haunt. He's there every day. OBrien's pours great local beers, prepares some outstanding pub fare (burgers, hot sandwiches, and salads) and is filled with what can only be described as a warm, neighborly crowd.

Evie and Mom graciously allowed me to accompany them to OBriens today for lunch with Tom, the previously mentioned father-in-law. We were joined by our friend Jason (one of the only people about whom Michelle actually speaks kindly) and a few of Tom's friends.

Tom extolling the virtues of one of the many exquisite beers poured at OBrien's, likely Pliny the Elder. I admit, I am a convert. The Elder is an out-of-this-world double IPA with a full-course meal in taste.

Jason showing Mom his cool Amazon Kindle.

Here is Evie delivering a look to yours truly stating very clearly: Get your own damned lemonade!

That's it for now. Off to the Plunge!
B.

OK I'll pose, but don't expect me to smile!

2009-08-04T10:06:00.001-07:00

Afterall, I haven't yet had my morning coffee.

Some of the best things in life are...in San Diego

2009-08-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

Our first evening in town. They picked me up from the airport, wnad we headed straight to Jimmy Carter's. A plate of Dulce's sublime carne asada, a pint of Arrogant Bastard, and a table full of my wonderful and sorely missed family.

The Man Himself: Jimmy Carter, treating his nephew to a hometown meal and showing of his curling locks!

Evie with Olivia, my niece by way of my cousin Betsy.
An adorable little imp!

Behold...the Golden Egg, the Grail, the Alpha & the Omega

2009-08-04T09:36:00.001-07:00

And don't worry, this precious cargo is coming back to San Antonio with us, where it will be loved, care for and appreciated.

Texas needs teachers? Really?

2009-07-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

I don't really have the words to properly articulate the sublime blend of amusement and dismay I felt upon reading this letter, sent to my department at the prison.
Instead I'm simply going to share it and let you experience it for yourselves.

Ouch.

I'll add a translation later, "be cows" some of my readers may have some difficulty with this...dialect.

This really does drive home the need for literacy development.
I wonder if that point might be relevant to my current job search.
;)

B.

Back to a normal work schedule...

2009-05-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Next stop, back to a normal workplace.

I'm officially off the 12 hour, 4 on 4 off shift at Connally. I acquired a post as a Law Library officer, which means I monitor the offenders while they sit in the little Law Library and research ways to overturn convictions and help other offenders do the same. Lovely, that they are afforded such an opportunity, que no?

On a related note, the fracking offenders are getting telephones put into their dayrooms.

Yes, the conversion from maximum security prison to day camp is almost complete.

*Back to my new post*

I could hear a collective sigh of relief coming from the offenders knowing that I wouldn't be available to conduct cell searches , thereby depriving them of their tattoo machines, hooch, and assorted contraband. Not that I'd been on the buildings too often for the last couple of months. The shift captain had decided to have me trained to run the Central Control picket (pretty much what it sounds like, a picket for the whole prison, providing access between the public/administrative side and the inner, secure side, as well as tracking all the keys, tools and use of force equipment for the prison). If it sounds like a PITA that's because it is. Lately the only time I've been able to get onto the building to work my "old beat" was when one of the lieutenants took pity on me and shuffled me around on the roster.

My main reason for wanting an H card position (M-F, 8-5) was wanting my weekends back and desiring to get more than 4 hours of sleep per night. My first choice was the Extortion officer post working with my old building sergeant but I didn't get that, and the Law Library supervisor, a very cool and sharp woman, asked me to apply for Law Library.

In other news, I've received my 12 month teaching credential/certificate from the State Board of Education. I'm getting closer.

Cheers,
B.

There are other reasons

Gone for the day. Came back and my wife had been replaced by a domestic goddess

2009-04-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

Now let me explain. My wife is not really a fan of housework. She knows it needs to get done, but is generally happier when someone else does it (namely me). There are exceptions to that, but as a general rule, she avoids it whenever she can.

Not today.

I went out with my buddy and his son for a day of paintball in pre-birthday celebratory fun, and came back to find the house in order, the laundry done, and our bathroom sink (in desperate need of help for quite some time)was cleaned.

And this was all done during a day when she had 2 sugar-hopped little girls (our 7 year old and my friend's 5 year old) amped for their easter egg hunt.

My wife rocks!

B.

Texas, pay a dollar kill a convict

2009-03-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to this co-worker of mine. I don't know how we got on the subject but he had the GREAT idea for a new kind of lottery. You take inmates, what ever kind, death row, not death row, it doesn't matter and give them the option of going into a lottery. A real lottery, where the average citizen buys tickets and basically bets on which inmates number comes up. When that inmates number comes up he gets killed. On TV. Those people who picked the inmates number win, 50% of the proceeds go to the winner, the other 50% go to the prison system. Now the inmates in the lottery are voluntary and get chosen say, once every 2 years or so or there are several lotteries run at once so that, the last guy alive at the end of that run gets a pardon. Don't worry peeps, these guys will end up back in, it's called recidivism and has an insanely high rate in California.

So here's what we'd end up with, an insanely high popularity rate for the lottery, lets face it, the American public will throw in a serious amount of cash if they knew they were killing a convict. Everybody is going to buy at least 1 ticket a month. Everybody. The tv ratings will go through the roof and the commercial time will be as expensive as during the superbowl. Even the people not buying tickets will want to watch a convict die, realtime. It'd be like the most successful tv show in history. The tree huggers/anti death penalty people can only bitch so much because the convicts go into it voluntarily. The prison systems would be come self sufficient within a year with the money coming in so these convicts would no longer be sucking off of society. Hell this would probably be the most productive these wastes of oxygen would ever be in their entire lives. Really the only down side is that occasionally there would be one let back out in society but lets face it, the convicted murderers, drug dealers, rapists and child molesters are already out among us. Hell most of them have already been convicted and let out once before.
Yeah so I'm sure there are probably no less than 2500 laws that prevent this from becoming a reality but dang, wouldn't it be nice? A new and interesting way to get out of the recession, no?

I'm convinced, I need to get back into teaching

2009-02-17T07:52:00.001-08:00

I'm so tired of this ridiculous schedule, paltry pay, and utter lack of future prospects offered by my current job.

I miss teaching.

I don't think I'll go back to teaching kindergarten, but I think it's high time I get back into the classroom.

B.

"Don't ask me, I'm just improvising."

2009-02-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

Today was my Friday, the 4th day of our semi-annual shakedown, as well as our fire safety/risk management audit. The offenders had all been receiving their meals in their cells, sack lunches called "johnnies" as I may have mentioned previously.

It was,oh I don't know...close to noon. We had fed most of the offenders in our building. Most rather than all because the FSM (food service manager) can't count. My desk boss Murray had a really funny argument over the extra needed johnnies with the FSM over which may later get its own post.

Sidetracked...

So anyway, I headed to the kitchen, grabbed the food and left before anyone could launch a lecture my way.

We handed out the normal meals, and I then stayed behind alone to distribute the "diet" meals to those offenders with sensitive dietary needs. What-fucking-ever. I got to the last cell with an open tray-slot and dropped the sack into the cell. It was promptly snatched up and was replaced by two arms as one of the offenders jacked the tray slot, insisting he needed a diet meal as well. I glanced past him at the wax paper bags that had previously held his dinner.

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen. You've already eaten and I'm done with the kitchen for now."

"Fuck you boss man. Call the sergeant."

"Yeah, that's not happening either. He's busy being not here."

At that point the newboot came back into the pod at a brisk pace, telling me the RM (risk management) auditor was on the way over.

I turned back to the source of my vexation. "Look Mr. Hubbard, you're wearing on my last nerve and I'm about out of time so here's what we're doing." Looking around the day-room I spotted a blade from one of their disposable razors.

I picked it up, pulled out my OC (chemical agent), and holding the blade where the offender could clearly see it, stated firmly in my best boss-man voice, "Mr. Hubbard remove that razor blade from your wrist".

I then placed the nozzle of the OC canister up against the open grate of their cell door. "Mr. Hubbard", if you continue, I'm going to gas you!"

Well...that did get a reaction. With his celly (cell-mate) screaming at the top of his lungs to get away from the door, Mr. Hubbard relinquished the tray slot post-haste. I dropped the razor, closed the tray slot, and walked out of the day-room. The other officer asked me as we entered the sally-port, "Where the hell did that come from?"

To which I replied...

Out,
B.

Oh, and that most recent cell phone I discovered...

2009-01-30T20:59:00.000-08:00

Neither of the two offenders/inmates/prisoner/oxygen-wasters admitted to ownership so they are BOTH getting charged with the crime. Incidentally, it's a felony to possess a cell phone on the premises of a Texas state penal institution, one that carries a 10 year sentence.

In case you all think I'm being unkind, one of these two was convicted of capital murder and the other of molesting multiple nieces and nephews.

Not.
Nice.
Men.

Out,
B.

It looks as if the Connally prison has passed its ACA audit

2009-01-29T05:03:00.000-08:00

Good job 1A.
Now we have proof of what we're always saying, we ARE the best shift on the farm!
:-)

B.

And speaking of cell phones...

2009-01-22T10:09:00.001-08:00

I found another cell phone my last day on shift. This makes my 3rd phone found (4th if you count one assist). These have all been on the same building, by the way. It's a medium&high custody building.

I was conducting my usual cell searches when I found this beat-up little phone, charging in a (get this) empty sugar substitute box. It was perched on top of the multi-plug outlet on the wall near the cell's desk. Imagine my surprise. Actually it was just the last wrinkle in an already crazy day.

It's funny, how every time we find a phone in the possession of one of the offenders, it becomes a community victory...a reminder that we do score our share of wins against this 2800 strong community of largely devious and nefarious men.

And every time I pull contraband out of a cell, whether it's a phone, hooch, speakers, knives, tools, stolen food, or tattoo paraphernalia, some offender invariably asks me the same question.
Aren't you proud?

Proud?

I suppose I take pride in doing a good job, even if I'm not particularly enamored of my work. And I am certainly pleased to be removing from the hands of dangerous felons a tool that could be used against COs, their families, or other persons of interest.

But do you know what my real sentiment is?

Fuck them.
They are the rapists, murderers, child molesters and drug pushers.
They are the ones who put themselves in prison and they are the ones who continue to ply their criminal tradecraft inside said prison.
Fuck them.
They are just bitter about being outsmarted by a wimpy little Californian.

B.

Double, double toil and trouble...

2009-01-22T06:09:00.000-08:00

So it looks as if I may go up for disciplinary at work.

It's been a busy last few cycles at Connally. We're all gearing up for our big ACA audit. All the while though, I've been doing my best to crack down on contraband in the medium and high security wings to which I am assigned.

With all the big football games going on, our offenders have really been stepping up the production of their homemade alcoholic beverages. It's called hooch, or sometimes chalk, and it's more or less a wine, made from pilfered fruit. They let it ferment (or cook) in big plastic bags (also stolen from supply), storing it in their cells and bringing it out in discrete containers during their dayroom time.

Well, needless to say, drunk offenders are generally more dangerous than sober ones, so we'd really prefer they stay sober.

I've been finding a LOT of hooch lately in the course of my cell searches. I confiscate it, they cry, I write them up on contraband charges, and life goes on. One day this past cycle (either Sat or Sun) I was working in closed custody (G5 offenders, max custody, mostly real hard cases). We were feeding them in the dayroom (they do not eat in the chow hall with the other varmints). As I walked by a cell on 3 row I caught the scent of alcohol (one of my Sgts has started calling me the hooch hound, a nickname I'm REALLY hoping does not stick). I had the picket officer roll the door and I stepped into the doorway. I immediately noticed 2 things: first there was still an offender in the cell, laying curled up on the top bunk of the darkened cell, and second there was DEFINITELY hooch there. I ordered the offender to leave the cell and head down to the dayroom. He got off the bunk, but refused to leave. He was very agitated, insisting he wasn't doing anything wrong. I restated my my order, and asked him why he was getting upset. He adamantly refused to leave, instead stood beside the cell toilet, just out of easy reach. I glanced down into the dayroom, caught the building sergeant's eye, and motioned for him to get up to my position. As I looked back into the cell my eyes fell on the clear plastic bag of hooch, likely around 3 or 4 gallons of it. The offender saw me notice it and decided to act. He lunged forward, pushing me back with one hand as he grabbed the bag with the other. He thrust the bag into the toilet and began trying to pop the bag. I grabbed his arm, pulled him away from the toilet and wrestled him to the ground. Unfortunately much of the hooch came with us. As quickly as I could I switched from my arm lock to a restraining hold, turning him onto his stomach and keeping his hands away from me. At that point the sergeant arrived, assisted me in restraining the slippery little guy, and I applied hand restraints.

He was taken to medical for a physical, then off to PHD(pre-hearing detention). I went to medical, received my own physical, and realized sourly I was about half covered in hooch. Oh, and this was not even halfway through the 12 hour shift.

So much paperwork and review later, I was back to my duties. I was informed that we don't fight with offenders over alcohol, and that I miay face disciplinary due to committing an unsafe act or substandard performance (engaging in an unnecessary Use of Force). I understand their reason regarding not engaging in a Use of Force over hooch. We don't really need the hooch itself to charge them. At the time however, I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about preserving evidence. This is apparently one of those unwritten (and up until my Use of Force, unspoken) rules.

Here's how it apparently breaks down-
alcohol: don't engage in a Use of Force
tobacco: don't engage in a Use of Force (although it happens)
marijuana: maybe engage in a Use of Force
shank(knife): engage at a distance, ie, use chemical agents (this is a Use of Force)
cell phone: engage in a Use of Force

Clear enough?
;)

B.

Addiction is such an ugly word...

2009-01-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

So I decided on my last Monday (that was Friday for those interested) I would try to go a work cycle with no Coke (or other high sugar, caffeinated soda). I would still have my morning cup of coffee, but refrain from having said soda with my lunch or any other time.

So that was the plan.

Around 2pm on the 1st day I started getting a headache that increased gradually in severity and resisted the non-aspirin I downed.

Day 2 the exact same thing occurred.

Day 3 I called an end to my little experiment and embraced my caffeine addiction.

;-)
Oh well.

B.

As I review, reflect, and prepare to move forward...

2008-12-31T10:20:00.000-08:00

I consider a number of things in my life.

I have a shitty job, seriously dire financial straits, and a country that is continuing its determined downward spiral into splintered, bankrupt dotage.

On the other hand, I have a beautiful and smart, if somewhat eccentric daughter, a beautiful and smart, if somewhat eccentric wife (a pattern, I wonder?) and some of the most amazing friends imaginable spread across a few states.

I suppose on the balance, I am exceedingly thankful for what I have.
And as I turn to face this new year, I shall endeavor to keep that in mind and move forward.

Cheers and Happy New Year,
B.

2 week furlow

2008-12-21T10:31:00.000-08:00

Two weeks away from the prison!
Christ but some time away is going to be nice.
My mother will be here Monday, bringing with her my 12 year old nephew, the sun in my daughter's cute little solar system.

She's going to be beside herself with joy.

In the mean time, I'm going to continue my depressing job-hunt.

Yes, I know (better than most, in fact) that finding a job during the holiday season in hardly the most fruitful of labors. However, I harbor this moderately superstitious belief that if I slack off in my "accuracy through volume" style application process, I might miss some so called golden opportunity.

Luck be a lady tonight.

That said, I'm hoping to catch all 5 of my readers (yes Angie, you're #5) up with my prison anecdotes and snarky comments about living in Texas.

All of that aside, it's the holiday season. Be sure to be thankful for whatever and whomever you call your own. Give extra hugs and kisses to your kids and significant others.

:)
B.

Something new for the hubby

2008-12-18T14:29:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd make his blog 'seasonal', whatcha think? I know it looks ok from my end but for some reason it doesn't work when some others check it out from their computers. Ah well, such is life with modern technology. We'd like to have everything and we try. And yet....

~The wifey

Red Velvet for Wifey

2008-12-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

My wife loves Red Velvet cake so my daughter and I made a batch of RV cupcakes and a mini cake, using a spiffy recipe from McCormick.

Without further ado...

Those clever bastards

2008-11-30T18:09:00.000-08:00

So we may have been fairly close to finding another cell phone today.

Look, an innocent book

Or is it...a prison craft shop gift box?

You make the call.

B.

A good day at the prison (certainly not something I expected to ever say)

2008-11-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

My last day on shift we responded to a tip about a mobile phone in the high-security housing pod I was working. We pulled the 2 offenders out, locked them in the passive rec yard and proceeded to shakedown their cell. We had pulled all of their property out of their lockers, carefully gone over it, and not really found anything of interest other than a clock-radio that looked like it had been modified.

I was shining my light into one of the little lockers and noticed the rear locker walls looked a little "off". I reached in and pushed a bit and found the back moved some.

"Um, Sarge? All these lockers have solid steel backs, right?"

[Sgt nodded]

"I think we've got something here."

I pushed a little harder against the back of the locker and it gave way/folded to reveal a hidden compartment. Behind the very cleverly designed false backs were a number of goodies/items of contraband, including not one, but 2 mobile phones, a homemade soldering iron, a charging cable, an improvised heating device, and numerous electronic bits/components.

Busted!

I tell you, this may not be the best job in the world, but it certainly does have its moments.

Happy Thanksgiving!
B.

WTF? Thought I wuz done with da puppies?!?!?!?!

2008-11-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

Kan I keeps it?

2008-11-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

Another tv show obsession

2008-11-25T09:05:00.000-08:00

You may wonder why I post these here rather than my blog, well I already posted on mine today and anyway, this show was really really loved by the Beagle and I know if he weren't moping in his little world of woe is me he'd probably write about this.

We DVR any TV show we like because 1) they are usually on when the kid is up and not appropriate for her age and 2) we fast forward through the commercials, they are a huge time waster that we just don't need. There aren't a lot of shows we watch, Pushing Daisies (now canceled damn it), House, Life, and oh there were a few other s I can't remember. Beagle is in charge of the DVR, that's not my game.

This past week we watched an episode of House that we think was by far the best episode they've ever done.
House's Head, Episode 415
You can read about it on the link, or watch it there if you so inclined. I can't watch shows on the computer, not quite right to me. Either way the episode is absolutely freaky, really really awesome turn of events. PLUS you get to see Cuddy do a pole dance strip tease. Oh hell yeah that alone should make you watch it. That woman either had a stand in or has the body of a 16 yr old. Damn her. Her bio doesn't list a spouse or kids so she's obviously hasn't gone through those abuses. B says she's a vegan, so that would make sense. Starve your body and you can look hot! Naw, not for me thanks.

If you like House and feel the need to see the excellent episode watch it! Iz guud.

Introducing Mr. Unemployable

2008-11-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

Sheesh, I swear I am having the worst luck and response in my attempts to procure better employment.

It's a little depressing.

Over-qualified for this.
Under-qualified for that.
This one's not hiring.
That one must have people who know X program.
Or MS certifications.
Or will be willing to relocate.
To South Dakota.
Immediately.

Sigh.

B.

Why is all the good shit on HBO?

2008-11-18T12:39:00.000-08:00

Don't they know most of us are poor and can barely afford regular cable? No lie, my cable bill is $160 every month and I think I have less channels than everyone else I know. Mind you, I only watch like 5 channels, the rest are garbage. OK at least 2 of those 5 channels that I watch are garbage too but at least it's funny as all get out garbage. Anyone who reads my 'official' blog (not this one I randomly take over) knows I have a think for CMT, oh man so they have some funny shit on there, so that can qualify as garbage. And the only shows I watch on TLC are trash too, ok how many of you don't watch Jon & Kate plus 8? I can't believe how many people I know watch that show. It's like watching them makes me feel better about having just 1 kid and I no longer want another every time I watch...

HBO now, they have some awesome stuff they make 'for HBO only' and we never get to see it until it comes out on DVD, good thing we are patient people. Which one am I complaining about now? "True Blood", it's based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels I've been reading for awhile by Charlaine Harris. I looove those books. I went so far as to build a character based on Sookie for a role playing game. Alright for all you pervs out there who don't know us, that's like Dungeons and Dragons role playing games, get your heads out of the gutter. They have Anna Paquin playing Sookie which I'm not so sure I'm cool with. I like Anna and all but for Sookie? I was picturing someone more...passive? Modest? I dunno if she can pull it off but she's a big name and can sell the show so I'm sure that's why they went with her. I wonder if she read the books. Yeah that's a maybe right?

So anyone out there actually have HBO and watch the series? Or even better read the books too? No? Yeah it's a long shot I'm sure. Oh well once again we'll just have to wait until it comes out on dvd...in what 2015? Well if the show is unsuccessful it'll be sooner than that but if it is successful, which it seems to be, I probably won't like it and they'll have probably warped the story so much I'll detest it. Damn HBO....

My brain, it's slow and it's memory capacity bites

2008-11-14T17:49:00.000-08:00

I had one more guest post and I completely forgot about it! This one comes via a gf's son, RJ. He's 12 and loves computers hence the review. So last but not least we have RJ...

Anyone Bored Of Windows XP Look

Well Is Anyone Bored Of Windows XP And Want The Newest Look This Is The New Windows Computer Called Windows Vista The Look Is On The First Pic. On The Left. If You Have Windows XP It Should Look Something Like The Second Pic. On The Left. Here Is A Way To Get The Top Pic. Be Prepared To Download Though If You Really To Want It To Look Like The Above Pic. Here Is The First Step:Download Vista Ultimate Inspirat Ultimate 2 Here http://www.crystalxp.net/galerie/en.id.130.htm Then Follow The Instalation Insturctions Chosse Express Install Or Whatever One Allows You To Choose Features To Install Rocketdock Gives You A Toolbar Like A Mac Does UberIcon Does Effects When Clicking Icons And TransBar Maker The Taskbar Slightley Clear It Takes A While To Install By The Way Make sure You Are Not Using The 64bit Of Windows XP Now After You Have Installed It Uninstall To Do This On Your Desktop Should Be Vista Inspirat Ultimate 2 Now Click Remove Brickopack It Will Uinstall Know Install Styler From Here From Here http://www.crystalxp.net/galerie/en.id.551-styler-1-401.html Now Install It Then You Need To Open It Click The Themes Tab And Double Click Vista Inspirat Ultimate 2 It Will Load Now You Will Have A Vista Looking Computer To reverse This Open Styler And Click The Themes And Double Click Windows XP Now There Is No Trace Of Vista There Is Also A Few More Tools To Make Your Computer Even More Like Vista Here We Go Vista Has Whats Called Windows Aero Which Is Cool Here Is One Cool Feature That You Can Also Use Its Called TrueTransparency You Can Download It Here http://www.crystalxp.net/galerie/en.id.7809-true-aero-for-truetransparency-0-8x.html Now Download The File And Unzip It Now Here Is The Coolest Thing About TrueTransparency There Is No Install You Just Double Click The Icon In The Folder And Wait For 5 Seconds And Look Where You Exit And Minimize Your Programs They Are Transparent (Clear) Two Change Them Back You Know Where The Clock Is Right Click The TrueTransparency And Click Exit Or Disable Or Quit Which Ever One It Is Now Two More Things Windows Vista Has a Sidebar Called Windows Sidebar There Is A Lot Of Sidebar Apps Like Google Desktop Provides One Put Here Is A Direct Link To One

http://www.desktopsidebar.com/download.html And Now I cant Remeber The Last One By The Way The windows xp pic. Ended Up Below End Of Transmission...

Being sick sucks

2008-11-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

I managed to pick up some stomach flu/bug.
I'm getting better, but it's still muy shitty.

Here's hoping the DW and DD get spared.

B.

So the United States of America has its 44th president

2008-11-05T04:45:00.000-08:00

This is historic, if not particularly surprising. I'm still not a huge Obama fan. Of course, I'm not really a huge McCain fan either. This might be largely due to not being a fan of either of our two major political frat parties.

Still, the US having its first black president is an important step, and one that will either be very good for us as a people and country...or very bad.

Unfortunately, this also means we have a Democratic President, Senate, and House...not something I really wanted to see. I really prefer the Executive and Legislative branches to be at ideological odds, to prevent either party from achieving too many of its party-centric goals.

I suppose I'll be in wait&see for a little while. We'll certainly see if Obama turns out to be the panacea all these young democrats and otherwise hopeful voters believe him to be.

Time as they say, will tell.

B.

Alright Beagle may have issues with this one

2008-10-29T12:00:00.001-07:00

But I thought it looked better over here than on my blog. Plus I think its funny so there

Dear Michael Patrick David...

2008-10-27T06:56:00.000-07:00

You spamming, sanctimonious piece of human offal.

Is your personality so completely over-ridden by your slavish devotion to one outlook on spirituality that vomiting garbage onto other people's blogs is your idea of healthy communication?

Your listed industry on your blogger profile is "Loving Others".
Is calling a woman whom you have likely never met a "fat satanic lying pig" a loving term of endearment in whatever wacky pseudo-christian cult you spending your time?

Is this a habit of yours?

You obviously have some serious emotional problems.

Pam (Sobriety is Exhausting) blogs honestly about her life, both its successes and failures, sharing with her readership her own personal slice of humanity.

WTF have you done recently to improve the blogging community? Sorry, but psychotic rantings and vicious attacks on women do not count.

Thanks for visiting my blog but please keep your quasi-religious ramblings to yourself.

Because your comments were completely off-topic, not to mention childish and insulting to Pam in particular and people working through 12 step programs in general, I am deleting them, after I copy them into my file for the Ramblings of Religious Wackos.

If you have something to say about the actual post topic (come on, it's Tori, I bet you could muster up something), please feel free to do so.

Cheers,
B.

My 1st bento attempt

2008-10-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

So our friend Anna very sweetly gave our dd a bento box for her birthday after hearing me express an interest in delving into the Anime fetishist world of Bento. She not only sent a gorgeous little pink bento set garnished with ladybugs, but also a host of bento-crafting accessories.

I have just made my first bento lunch for our dd and every facet of the end product is due largely to the interest, guidance, and support from Anna and my dw.

Thanks ladies!

So the lunch, for those curious, consists of a steamed rice bear, pb&j sushi rolls, and fruit cuts (apple stars and nectarine flowers). I know it's not exactly a sterling example of creative bento goodness, but in my defense, it was a last minute attempt with what we had on hand.

the bear (with little soy sauce bottle)

the sushi rolls and fruit

the whole lunch (minus the drink)

packaged up and ready to go in its bag

Cheers,
B.

Sometimes I wonder if Beagle remembers if his blog exists....

2008-10-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

But he has a wife that blathers so prolifically it really matters not. She also has access to many many friends that love the both of them and find it wildly entertaining that she wants them to guest blog on his blog rather than hers. How wonderful! Recently one of these lovely compadres was moving and came across a ticket. Such a benign little thing but it had memories. Ah, perfect stuff for a blog post, thank you Anna for the blast from the past....

July 2008, I'm standing in line to get one of 100 autographs of Hiro Mashima for my nine year old son. It seems my son has a love of many things, including the Manga series FairyTale, written and illustrated my Hiro Mashima. I am striving to be elected parent of the year, and have obtained a ticket , and am standing in line with people ten years my junior , most wearing costumes, myself terribly out of place.

While standing in line, the next autograph section over starts filling people with an amazing speed. In walks a beautiful woman with flame red hair, and a beautiful black dress with an upright collar. Who is it?? Why is everyone in that line my own age? The moment my mind realizes who she is, I'm transported.

August 1992.. Sixteen years ago.

Many of us had yet to leave home, did not have cars we had to pay for, or take care of, we didn't buy groceries, and heaven forbid, we did not have an email address.

(How many do you have now? I think I have five!)

What many of us did have, and still do, was a love for music.

Sure, our tastes have changed over the years. Occasionally that song that was passé years ago will play and we're mentally transported to another moment. The sights, smells are as real as the day the memory was made.

For me, one of those days is August 26th, 1992.

On that day, I saw my idol of the moment ; Tori Amos. Fresh into the world promoting her first album, Little Earthquakes. She had played once before in San Diego, in a tiny club called the Bacchanal; and now, she was playing at UCSD. In an auditorium! Not a giant concert venue, an auditorium. I had to be there. Without regret, I found a way to get tickets, and convinced the Beagle to attend with myself.

Memories are funny things. The whole evening isn't crystal clear, merely snippets.

Tori's birthday is the 22nd of August, we saw her four days later. People walked flowers up to the edge of the stage, and sat back down.

I don't remember it being a loud raucous event, calm patrons of the arts. Ironic considering our personal ages at the time, 23 and 19; as well as the artist. Calm is not a word that typically describes her.

Her piano had some issues as I recall. It was either replaced or repaired while we waited. Those details are sparse. I know that according to historical information on her she performed solo with a Yamaha CP-80 unless the venue was able to provide a piano for the entire Little Earthquake tour. What I remember is that she was delayed from starting on time.

At one point she sat on a stool facing the audience to tell her story, and sing, a cappella, Me and a Gun. Words will never describe the moments of an intimate setting, with a victim sharing their pain.

Overall she was an amazing sight to see. Flailing on the piano bench, looking for all the world as if she would fall off at any moment.

I remember thinking that she wore the strangest shoes… but now, I don't remember what they were.

And she told stories. Tons of stories. She would sit there and talk to this group of people, and tell them things… that even in the next four of her concerts I attended, could ever be rivaled.

The most vivid? The Rod Stewart story.

There is a species of hoofed animal, a deer, the black tailed deer, I believe she said. The Black Tailed deer has a color pattern on its ass. This, in her thinking, shows the deer where to aim when they wants to copulate.

To her, Rod Stewart, is this animal. He has these same markings as this animal.

(Or she needs these markings so he can find her. I realize now that this story makes no sense logically)

To see, and hear this woman, that I admired, talk about zeroing in on a rock stars ass, chat with the masses, and perform without seemingly breaking a sweat.. was amazing. Something that was seared into my memory.

I attended a panel at Comic Con 08 because she was attending. I wanted to be there beyond everything else. My staff made their own sacrifices for me, and I appreciate that.

Promoting a book of comics based on her songs, she did not have the bulk of the speaking time. It was a session where you never know who would speak next.

When she did speak, I was enthralled, just as much as I was sixteen years ago. I wasn't as close to the stage, or to her, I was far off to the side; and I am sure the crowd was larger, but I came full circle. And Beagle, you were the first person I thought of.

*My ticket stub is on a page from the new book; Comic Book Tattoo by Image Comics.

The piece is Leather, originally released on the Little Earthquakes album, illustrated by John Bivens.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-10-22T06:24:00.001-07:00

Another guest post, today brought to you by Nathaniel our dear friend's son

Guest posting, since idle blogs are the wifey's playthings....

2008-10-21T07:31:00.001-07:00

Well since the Beagle has seen fit to once again not notice his blog again I have seen fit to invite some of our more prolific blogger friends to fill in for him. So in no particular order I would like to introduce the first visitor, our most profound. CL, the other transplant to Texas, who came from San Diego a few months before us. Without further ado....

“The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer.”

I don't mean to seem pedantic, but if there is one thing that I simply cannot live without it is a fine, misty-amber Pilsner. No self-respecting, sedulous seeker of fine hops-imbued potables could deny the effervescent glory with which the efficacious taste of amber cerveza is permeated.

“A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.”

Whereas dark beers only appear richer--a fallacy deserving of the utmost ridicule--the warmth and comfort of a well-produced, jaunty Pilsner sets most if not all so-called world-class ales on the short course for disappointment. God Save The Tastebuds! To he|| with ale!

With that superb bit of literary genius, I leave you with these fine, insoluble words of wisdom with which to adorn your slowly fermenting cranial contents:

“Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....
Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.”

Now mind you my fellow readers, The Beagle is Irish in heritage and loves many many a drink, beers in particular. He is also a beer connoisseur, but he has one type he just can not stand, care to take a guess which kind that is? ~The wifey~

Not particularly nice...

2008-10-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

edited to add: This link is brought to you by Jen Robinson, and the letter "O".

But terribly, terribly funny!

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

Enjoy,
B.

Lets talk Karma

2008-10-16T10:23:00.001-07:00

And about those with a total lack thereof decent karma. I'm going to pull a few lines from an article in the local newspaper (S.E. Side homeowner kills intruder) that I found well, amusing. Alright, I have an odd sense of humor, it's true...

The man, believed to be in his 20s, was trying to get into a rear bedroom window of a house in the 1400 block of Greer and when the homeowner shot him, police said.
OK now here's the funny part:
The homeowner, a firearms instructor, was home alone and in the bedroom the burglar was attempting to enter.

OK, now, dude, some punk ass kid just broke into a bedroom window, in the middle of the night, of a firearms instructor. Who is going to what? Well Fuck his shit up I suppose. Dumb ass. I think that burglar must have had some seriously jacked up karma and then some higher being or God wanted his ass kicked way outta the gene pool. Whatcha think? Yah? Now think about it, if you're going to break into a house in the wee hours of the morning break into a room that does not have the occupants in it fuck head. Break into the living room or a bathroom but not on top of the sleeping residents for the love of Pete. Perfect examples of Generation Y did they even bother to give birth to these morons....

Tales from the Pen, part 3: lessons I've learned

2008-10-10T07:51:00.001-07:00

1) Pepper spray, when deployed indoors, affects EVERYONE in the room. No exceptions.

2) Offenders are much more amenable to correcting their behavior when one is carrying a 3lb, 14inch tray-slot bar.

3) It is impossible for an offender to hang himself by knotting a sheet onto a door at shoulder height then draping said sheet around his neck.

4) Offenders get their feelings hurt when you call them drama queens and take their sheets away from them.

5) G2 offenders (low custody level) cry like cub scouts with skinned knees when you write them up for mouthing off in front of a trainee.

6) The phrase "No rec for you" is very gratifying.

Cheers,
B.

Idle Hands are my Wifey's playthings

2008-10-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

She's apparently too much personality for a single blog.
Instead of creating a 2nd blog for herself, she's decided to use her formidable blogging abilities to augment my lackluster blog.

Enjoy it while you can folks as someday she'll actually be required to work at work.

Oh, and my wife is right...I do think you should listen to Margaret & Helen.

Cheers,
B.

Beagle says

2008-10-08T06:49:00.001-07:00

Listen to Margaret and Helen
No really he does, he just doesn't know it yet.

Ah yes and still guest blogging thru the wife

2008-10-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

Because she knows that he'd want to put this up...Neil Gaiman apparently, after over 2 decades of starts and stops, has finally finished his childrens book, The Graveyard Book. How very cool is that? He's an old fav of all of ours, we're going to have to go out and get this one I'm sure. Don't know if the kid will like it but really, we'd be just as happy to get it for ourselves right? Selfish parents yeah whatever, get over it, welcome to parental Gen X.

But if Bod leaves the graveyard, then he will come under attack from the man Jack—who has already killed Bod’s family. . . .

Beagle asked the wifey to make a few changes

2008-09-27T15:33:00.001-07:00

So bear with us during the re-decorating process. He wanted the girl's eyes in the banner, not possible in the last template so I randomly picked a new one. He'll have to give me the yes or no tonight when he comes home and sees it. There are a lot of other choices though so we'll see. Plus you never know what else he'll want me to add that may not wok with this template. Too many choices in today's world...have you gone shopping for peanut butter lately? Lordy...
Let us know what you think, opinions will be listened to!

Guest post brought to you by,
~the wifey with password privileges

Nothing interesting to share...

2008-09-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

so here's a picture of two big slug corpses I found in our office this morning.

They must have crept in yesterday during the rain.

And now for something something completely different...unless you're in prison

2008-09-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

You Are Kidnapping

You love to be in control. You are incredibly dominant.

A part of you even likes to make people suffer. It's all about power!

You love to take risks, especially if the potential payoff is huge.

But you wouldn't be in crime only for the money. You're twisted enough to just enjoy screwing with people.

What Felony Are You?

Re: the Hero Poll

2008-09-16T18:29:00.001-07:00

Let's break down the four choices listed:
Barak Obama
Rosie O'Donnell
Kenneth Copeland
and
Scrat, the saber-toothed squirrel

Obama - Let me say for the record that Obama has 3 things going for him in my book. One, he's a Democrat and the recent, craptastic Republican presidents have soured even a goodly number of moderates on the "Red" party. Two, he's black, which will get him votes from some groups regardless of what he does or says. Three, he's against the war, which is simultaneously a popular sentiment and a dangerous one, politically speaking. Besides those 3 points of interest, Obama does NOTHING to hold my attention. I care not at all about the "Muslim background" stuff the religious wing-nuts keep bringing up. Nor do I feel o'erwhelmed by his promises of change bringing about a brighter future for America. He is simply another Democratic candidate. He received the party nod because Hillary had simply alienated too many people. Hardly a ringing endorsement.

Rosie - Well thankfully no one among my readership of 9 thought that self-righteous and inhumanely annoying cow could have been my hero in any way, shape or form. Rosie O'Donnell continues to exemplify for me exactly what is wrong with my home state of California. And no, in case any readers have just happened by and might misconstrue this point...my feelings have NOTHING to do with her sexual orientation. No, instead Rosie is a member of empowered, ridiculously over-exposed celebrity cult of personality that actually thinks it represents the vox populi of the average Californian.

Kenneth Copeland - This is actually a funny one, with a prison system anecdote no less. Up until this past Sunday I had no idea who this man was...as in, at all. I had brought the remote control into the day-room of the pod (prison-speaker for housing area) to turn on the TVs. I flipped on one, glanced at the man speaking and said: "Looks like a preacher". The offenders were shocked and amazed that I had no idea who this joker was. Their shock turned to moderate outrage when I told them exactly what I thought of mega-churches. I'm afraid that's all I've got on this guy. I refuse to even research him enough to see how much of a whacko he likely is because I really just don't care.

The only one I admire in any particular quantity would be Scrat the saber-toothed squirrel. First off, he's a cute rodent, and my almost 2 decade relationship with Wifey has led me to be moderately well-dispose to such creatures. Mostly though, I greatly admire his tenacity. Have you seen how this guy goes after his acorns? Now that's determination in the face of unending obstacles. He pursues them like Obama going after the young and dumb vote, Rosie after an opportunity to publicly stick one of those chubby feet in her mouth, or Copeland after a new BMW for Gloria. (Reverend, could I get one of those cute envelopes of yours? You know, the ones that state: "I am sowing $_____ and believing for a hundredfold return." I'd really like it for my files, although I'm not sure if it would go under "S" for Snake-Oil, or "F" for a Fool and his money.)

Hmm...I guess it didn't really take much research at all for me to decide I don't like that guy.

*Scrat for President in 2012!
*Scrat's Acorn-Whisperer talk/variety coming to a progressive channel near you!
*Reverend Horton-Scrat's Acorn Crusade, landing soon at your neighborhood Mega-Church!

Cheers all,
B.

Getting to know Beagle, a poll's insight

2008-09-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

Answers and related discussion forthcoming

Heading back to work tomorrow morning, o'dark hundred

2008-09-02T17:53:00.001-07:00

Can you feel the enthusiasm emanating through the connection?

No? How surprising.

We had a nice 3 day weekend. Now I need to go pay the piper, so to speak.

Damn, but I need to secure a new job.

Be safe,
B.

One of those sins my Wifey mentioned

2008-08-30T08:21:00.001-07:00

We used to go to Goth clubs with our friends in San Diego.
Wifey mentioned in her blog a picture or two all Gothed up and heading out for club.

Here's the first one I've found, combing through our picture archives.

Really as much Rockabilly as Goth, but by San Antonio's standards, it probably sufficiently deviant to raise eyebrows (for the record, I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of a white corset beneath that little black dress).

Now piss off, you closet deviants!
:)

Still job-hunting

2008-08-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the grievance investigator job at Connally (that's the prison, for those of you just wandering by). On the other hand, my interview with SA Police Dept went really well. I sincerely hope I get the Management Analyst job with them. It seemed like a great group of guys in the department, and interesting work.

The prison/CO work has been business as usual. Threats, Uses of Force, and lots of Offenders (I've officially gotten onboard with calling them offenders, rather than inmates, convicts, or thieves; after all they ARE offensive). I won't bore you all with the details of the violence. I'm fairly sure all 7 of my readers are Americans and as any POS UN rep could tell you, we Americans are self-important barbarians completely desensitized by violence.

:)

I WILL however, share one gruesome image with you: One of the psych patient offenders off the high security pod I generally work, recently jammed the small end (small being a relative statement) of a state-issued plastic spoon up his urethra. Why? Because the voices told him to.

Cliche? Yep.
Disturbing? Certainly.
Outlandish? Not where I spend half my time.

Tired of the DRAMA

2008-08-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

This job (corrections) has WAY too much drama for the level of pay.

This past cycle (4 days of work) I had to write a bunch of cases (offense reports, think tickets/citations for offenders) which I don't normally do. It's not that I don't write cases, I simply prefer to resolve minor issues informally. That said, these were security issues, and needed paperwork. I won't bore you with the details, but I caught two offenders in the wrong cells, as well as lying to me, and going out for recreation when they were on restriction.
Hmm...I didn't actually spare you too many details, did I?
Anyway.
When I realized they were up to no good (shocking the think that felons in a max security prison might have difficulties following rules) I plopped them each in a holding area, I then enlisted the help of a coworker and went to search/shake-down the cells in question.

We turned up a veritable grocery list of offender contraband: tattooing kits, homemade speakers and multi-plug outlet adapters (yes, some of these guys are quite resourceful), altered clock/radios, etc. We also found unmarked stamps. Now, the offenders are supposed to write their TDCJ number on each stamp, to prevent the stamps from being used as money/trade/extortion fodder. As it was, the stamps were confiscated and I wrote a confiscation sheet for them.

The owner of the stamps went ballistic when he noticed them missing and made a threat against me while being returned to his cell.

Now that's a serious issue.

All of the other offenses were medium and minor level, but threatening an officer? That's a level one offense, right up there with escape attempts and armed assaults.

So now, over 3 stamps, this offender is facing a charge that will potentially change his security status, line status (time earning quality that helps them get out sooner), even extra time.

Over 3 stamps.

3 stamps.

3.

stamps.

(sigh)
I really need a new job.

I have some other anecdotes, but the kidlet and I need to get on with our day.

B.

Back on-shift tomorrow

2008-08-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hurray!
A happy return to dangerous felons and curious (at best) backwoods folk.

I'd say that I'll keep everyone apprised of my goings-on at the prison, but given my track record for regular posts, that might seem disingenuous.

So instead allow me to regale you with a few recent tidbits.

Two shifts ago I/we found 2 tattoo guns (cleverly disguised within electric shavers I don't feel they need) along with 13 cigarettes rolled in Free World papers and using fresh, Free World tobacco. This was my 5th find of tattoo paraphernalia.

I get harassed by offenders because I actually do my cell searches. On the other hand, I get called "offender friendly" by some of my co-workers because I rarely yell at the offenders.

Prison food: one of many reasons to keep one's nose clean in Texas.

And finally, a handful of shifts past (yes, we already know I'm a slacker with Blog entries) I spent the better part of my 12 hour shift listening to a pair of co-workers earnestly debate which public world figure would reveal himself to be the antichrist.

Contain your envy.

v/r,
B.

Under Pressure

2008-08-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

Hello again my devoted readership...all 4 of you.

Life has been just a series of pratfalls, minor misfortunes and major set-backs of late.

But that's just part of the game, right?

Anyway, I'm still searching for reasonable work in San Antonio. I'm looking to change up my job at the prison as a stopgap measure, but ultimately I really need to find something more local, and modestly more lucrative, if we are going to continue paying our bills.

I'd regale you all with job-hunting tales but they would be far to somber.
Instead, here's a picture of the fruit salad my daughter whipped up for me a few days ago.
There, much more uplifting. Not to mention tasty.

B.

Frustrations of job-hunting

2008-06-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

Things I find TERRIBLY annoying while job-hunting:

1. Cumbersome and lengthy application programs, especially those that seem incapable of properly storing data (NISD and NEISD websites, I'm talking to you).

2. Sites with application managers that require you to rebuild, by hand, your entire resume so they can store it in their database of dubious quality (see above note).

3. Bogus job offers. I sincerely hope I someday have the opportunity to get my hands on even one of these duplicitous, data-mining scumbags. I promise you the results will be picturesque.

B.

Tales from the Pen, part 2: prison jargon

2008-06-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

noun: specialized technical terminology characteristic of a particular subject
noun: a characteristic language of a particular group (as among thieves)
again take your pick, although my money's on the 2nd.

Throwed-off: This is how people in the prison system(both offenders and officers) say crazy. I suppose it's because simply saying, "That guy is crazy" would be too...you know, in truth, I just don't know why.

Institutionalized: This term as used an excuse for officers being unable to speak to anyone about anything without peppering their speech with profanity, demolished grammar and you guessed it, jargon.

Trustee: This is a term applied to low security offenders (usually G1, although at Connally most of ours are G2s since we have only a handful of G1 offenders). These offenders work outside the perimeter and often work jobs with little oversight, or are allowed to work with dangerous tools, chemicals, etc. They basically enjoy special privileges. The prisons SSIs (janitors) are both the best and worst examples of prison trustees.

Boss-man(or Boss-lady): This is what the offenders call us when they want something from us.

Bitch-ass-ho-boss: This is what the offenders call us when we've busted them on some offense, caught them in a lie, taken away contraband, or otherwise deprived them of something to which them believe themselves entitled.

Free World: This is a descriptor applied to anything from outside the prison system/world/culture. Free world clothes, free world jobs, free world politics, etc, ad nauseam.

Later,
B.

Tales from the Pen, part 1

2008-05-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

noun: an enclosure for confining livestock
noun: a correctional institution for those convicted of major crimes
Take your pick; either is appropriate.

1) This first one is the nuts and bolts of a letter, specifically Life Endangerment Statement. The gist of it is this: the offender, a minister of some strip or another, insisted the prison administration was imperiling his life and disobeying some [fictitious] policy by housing him with get this: Catholics, Muslims, Jehovah's Witnesses, Satanists, any whom attend government-sponsored Pagan ceremonies and those whom are content to live in evil and do not accept Jesus Christ as their lord and savior...just let that one sink in for a spell. He went on to explain in eloquent if stilted prose how his medical records had been altered and he was constantly imperiled by being housed with such wicked men. He repeatedly cited, without ever actually identifying, some medical condition as additional basis for his needing to be housed separately or at least with goodly folk. Additionally he made vague threats and absurd accusations against the prison staff in general and the administration in particular.

Now just for the record, I've looked through all of the policies regarding housing guidelines and I haven't found anything about putting self-righteous, religiously bigoted, backwoods, correspondence course ministers with faith-compatible cellmates.

Happy Birthday to Wifey!

2008-05-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

She's on day 2 of new new job, and seems to be really liking it. I'm so relieved because she's had unilaterally rotten job experiences since we've moved here, starting with the real estate stuff and running through a smattering of crap science/lab jobs.

Me? I'm on day [quantity undisclosed] of my new, improved and dishwasher-safe job hunt.
My criteria: more cognitive stimulation and pay, less commuting and long shifts.

So anyway, feel free to ring, message, or otherwise bother my wife...after all, it's her birthday!
:)

Oh, and that promised selection of Correctional anecdotes?
I'm going to post those later this evening.

B.

Wifey got herself a new job...or, B's venture into the depressing world of math

2008-05-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

Not only a new job, but a good job.
Not only a good job, but a good, sciencey(tm) job.
Not only a good, sciencey(tm) job, but a sciencey(tm) job with a real paycheck.
I could go on, but my readers, all 3 of you, undoubtedly catch my drift.

Now it's my turn.
-It's not that I don't like what I'm doing right now, I actually do...some of the time.
-It's not that I don't like my coworkers...some of them don't come across as deranged circus performers (is there any other kind?) every time they speak.
-It's the commute and the long shifts. TDCJ loves to boast that being a CO (Correctional Officer) is a great job because you get good(decent) pay for working only half the year. Their logic is that 4 days on, 4 days off is working 1 out of 2 days/year, ergo working half the year.
Well...that's certainly true taken at face value.

Let let's break it down a little more, shall we?

Each shift worked as a CO is a 12 hour shift.
You work 4 shifts, then have 4 days off.

By contrast, in most other jobs you work an 8 hour shift.
You work 5 shifts, then have 2 days off.

Now, one 12 hour shift is equal to one and a half 8 hour shifts, so for every 2 days worked as a CO you are effectively putting in 3 days of "normal" work.
Savvy?

Now, on with our show.

For an 8hrs/day, 5days/week job that's 260 work days/year, ignoring holidays...or 2,080 work hours/year.

Now for the CO job I'll round the days/year down to 364, just to be nice.
For the 12hrs/day, 4days on/4days off job thats 182 work days/year, ignoring holidays (which TDCJ does for obvious reasons)...or 2,184 work hours/year.

So that's an extra two and a half weeks of work/year as a CO and we haven't even touch on holidays. Right away we see that "you're only working half the year" line is not so accurate. Or as Buffy would say, "Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic".

Honestly, the holiday, sick and vacation accrual likely comes out to about the same. TDCJ employees often work holidays, but they accrue holiday time so we'll call that one more or less even, especially considering there is no set rule for other (8 hour day/5 day week) jobs.

Oh, and I forgot one more thing!

I spend 4 hours (this includes 30 minute shift turnout) commuting EVERY DAY!

A quick breakdown for those of you (namely me) whom are a little math-challenged.
4 hours X 4 work days = an additional 16 hours per work cycle.
OR
16 hours/day, 182 work days/year...that's 2,912 hours/year going to, at, or leaving from work.

Bestplaces.net states the average daily commute in San Antonio takes 26 minutes one way.
I'll round up to 30 minutes, or 1 hour/day.
1 hour X 5 work days = an additional 5 hours per work cycle.
OR
9 hours/day, 260 work days/year...that's 2,340 hours/year going to, at, or leaving work.
Vs.
2,912 hours/year going to, at, or leaving from work.
So we've got those extra 104 hours of work per year as a CO, plus an additional 468 hours (that's 2912 minus 2340, minus 104) commuting per year. I could break those 468 hours down by shift, day, or week, but it would just be depressing.

Instead, I'm going to go apply for some jobs!

B.

New date for everyone...July 2nd

2008-05-05T06:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/hancock/

Watch the trailer.
Soak up the awesomeness that is Will Smith.
Respect the 'tude.

V/R,
B.

So you want to know what it is I do for a living now?

2008-05-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

B's take on being a Correctional Officer in the state of Texas

Let's start off with a nice, concise description. Being a Correction Officer at a MaxSec prison in Tx is a sublime blending of being a zoo-keeper in the primate section of a large zoo, and a middle school teacher with a class composed entirely of SED (that's Severely Emotionally Disturbed) adolescents.
At any point in time one of your charges may-
a) throw poop, piss, or food at you
b) hit someone
c) hurt themselves
d) lie to you
e) sulk for half the day
f) stew for half the day, THEN throw a tantrum during which they may engage in behaviors a-d, followed by e.

They make weapons, draw pictures, pass notes, threaten, cajole, beg, plead, and did I mention lie, on a daily basis. They break their toys and blame other people. They stop taking their meds, then complain that they are not being properly cared for. They drag their asses getting ready, then complain bitterly about the lack of notice given. They scrutinize everyone around them for any hint of weakness they might exploit.

Around 15 years ago I ran the in-school suspension program for a middle school. The parallels are legion, and a bit unsettling.

The upsides are many. The Connally unit is a well run prison. I have some extraordinary coworkers with whom I can trust my life (as well as some whom I would not trust to get my order right at Jack in the Box). The administrators seem to be concerned, alert and realistic (a refreshing change from some of my previous experiences with upper management). Oh, and commissary...commissary rocks!

More later (really, I promise)
B out

Good times, Bad times, you know I had my share

2008-04-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

Allow me to spin you a tale, a tale of noble intentions, bad decisions, exercise habits, and of course...shallow pockets.

I, like many married men, wear a wedding band. This wedding band, in addition to the obvious symbolic significance, holds a considerable amount of sentimental value as it was a rather important part of nefarious marital ambuscade planned and executed by my smart, sexy, and sneaky wife.

We started going to Gold's gym nearby our home soon after moving to San Antonio. Now, our respective workout schedules have been erratic, but for a goodly number of months, my friend Clay and I were meeting at Gold's 3 days a week on a consistent basis. This was when I realized I was scratching up my wedding band on the aptly named dumbbells. -STOP

-Interlude-
I have always been terrified of losing my wedding band. Although I have certainly gotten better as I've gotten older (really more like a worn-in pair of shoes than a good Cabernet) it was my fear that if I regularly removed my wedding ring (like my prettier half does on a daily basis) I would undoubtedly lose it. As a result, I never took it off for a number of years. It stayed on my finger through manual labor, paintball, shooting, even sparring (actually, rings make decent impact enhancing devices - but that's for a different entry).
-End Interlude-

COMMENCE- I tried wearing gloves whilst lifting weights but I found them very uncomfortable. I generally do not like putting gloves between my hands and their tools. I dislike shooting gloves, paintball gloves, driving gloves, and weight-lifting gloves. I have compromised when it comes do digging holes in our backyard's bedrock and fencing (learn from my mistakes - fencing gloves are crucial equipment). Anyhow, it bothered me to scratch up my ring on the weights. I initially tried keeping it on a key chain split ring, but that was hard on the ring as well. I finally decided to carry it in my pocket while I lifted, and immediately put it back on when I was finished. This worked fine for a while, until one fateful day when I skipped my post-lifting cardio and stopped by the 1/2 Price Bookstore on the way home. Once I arrived home, I showered as per my usual habit (I'm a flaky boy, but generally a cleanly one) and realized I had not put my ring back on. I promptly checked my workout pants - no ring. I checked the mustang - again, no ring. That's around the time I started freaking out a little bit. I called the gym, called the bookstore - nothing.

To her credit, my wife didn't give me even an iota of grief. I suspect she knew that nothing she could've said would have made me feel like even more of an irresponsible asshat.

Months passed.

Life went on.

Saturday evening, April 26th. In my duties as a Correctional Officer (yes - I know I've been remiss and as soon as I select some amusing yet wide-audience appropriate prison anecdotes I'll add my first Connally unit post)...as I was saying, in my duties as a Correctional Officer I carry a little notepad. This notepad, and pen which accompanies it, is one of the most important tools available to me. I use it to document everything from Offender behavior to assignment notes, to maintenance needs. Michelle needed the Connally unit switchboard number, so I went to fetch the notepad from the mustang. As I dug around under the driver's seat, I heard something metal clack against the front license plate that I have still not affixed to my front bumper. My initial thought was "my daughter leaves her rings and jewelry everywhere." Imagine my surprise when I retrieved not her ring but mine.

Remember those workout pants? I bought them for Krav Maga, they work great for the gym, but they have really shallow pockets. The mustang, for those of you unaware, is a relatively low to the ground car. The ring had apparently rolled out of the pocket, under the seat and gotten lodged in a nook (or possibly a cranny) for quite some time, before becoming dislodged in response to my evasive driving (required by the psychotic drivers here) wherein I made my happy discovery.

And there was much rejoicing.

B.

For John Cusack fans, and other righteously cool folks

2008-04-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

First off, let me say that if you are reading my Blog, and are not yet a John Cusack fan then you owe it to yourself to educate yourself about this excellent and under-utilized actor. He is, IMHO, one of the finest American actors of our generation.

So please allow me to set your feet on the path...
The Sure Thing
Better Off Dead
One Crazy Summer
Say Anything
The Grifters
Bullets over Broadway (despite its Woody Allen pedigree)
Grosse Pointe Blank (if you haven't seen this movie please give yourself a kick in the ass)
Con Air
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
The Jack Bull
Being John Malkovich
High Fidelity
Serendipity
Identity
The Ice Harvest

Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, let's talk about War Inc.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0884224/
http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/warinc/

This looks like it'll be a real blast. John and Joan Cusack as well as Dan Akroyd, reunited from GPB, plus [Sir] Ben Kingsley (see him facing off against Morgan Freeman in Lucky #Slevin) and Marisa Tomei...all together in a film that combines the best elements of The Lord of War and GPB (I know, it was ALL good).

So, it opens May 23rd. Well, maybe not in San Antonio. We'll likely need to wait a bit longer for the Wells Fargo coach to deliver to the reels. ;)

B.

School's Out for...err, the weekend!

2008-04-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

I'm all finished with the Corrections Officer academy. Most of us passed/graduated. Everyone managed to pass the firearms qualifications, even if some folks needed an extra try with the AR15. No real surprise there, many of the trainees had never shouldered a rifle previously.

I'm afraid I'm out of snarky comments directed at my fellow trainees or organizational bloopers. Truth be told, the biggest problem the TDCJ faces is the catch-22 of their employment crisis. The TDCJ desperately needs mature, level-headed and clear-thinking Correctional Officers. Many of the prisons are grossly understaffed and the agency will take the help in whatever form it receives it, so long as the vestigial hiring requirements are met and the training academy is passed. The end result is that every 2 weeks the prisons receive a fresh crop of Correctional Officers. But how many of them will really stay on? Many of them are really too young, too immature, and most likely ill-equipped to maintain their composure while working 4(minimum) to 6(max overtime) twelve-hour shifts every 8 days. After all, many of these young men (and a few of the young women) habitually go out many nights every week, drinking hard, and staying up late. Are we expecting their habits to change merely because they attended the Academy?

One could argue, of course, that the TDCJ could increase/raise the hiring requirements. This would likely weed out many of the weaker sisters, however this would obviously mean fewer new Officers hitting the prisons.

As I said, something of a catch-22.

Regardless, Monday morning I report to the Connally Max-Sec prison for my on the job training, before being assigned to a shift.

See you all out in the world,
B.

Corrections Officer Academy, report 4

2008-04-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

Almost done!

We've just got firearms training and qualification next week, one final cumulative exam, then we're finished with the academy.

Highlights from the week:

-We've lost two more trainees, this time due to academic problems (ie, they were failing the exams). A few others are having significant difficulties.

-I've been elected the class speaker. This means I need to deliver a little speech during the graduation ceremony.

-I've decided to make an assignment transfer request from the Torres unit to the Connally unit. After taking our tour of Connally I found myself very impressed with the unit, its staff and operation.

-A number of the trainees continue to ignore the maxim: It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt.

See you all out in the world,
B.

Corrections Officer Academy, report 3

2008-03-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

End of week three and I'm tired. I'm tired of slapdash scheduling. I'm tired of trying to help other trainees struggle through tests the proverbial 5th grader could pass with aplomb. I'm tired of the dust and black mold in the BOQs. I'm tired of that sweet, sleepy town of Beeville which lacks Starbucks, Target, and Wells Fargo storefronts. I'm also exceedingly tired of the drama created by my intrepid fellow trainees. A number of our sergeants (training instructors) have mentioned on more than one occasion that we will find upon starting work at the units (nomenclature for prisons) our work-related grief comes chiefly not from the Offenders (felons previously referred to as Inmates) but rather from other staff, ie, our fellow Corrections Officers.

And I believe this.

Highlights of the week

-The sergeants continue to delight and impress me with their dedication to, and amusing anecdotes about, this profession.

-Defensive Tactics: during a series of paired drills (strikes and blocks with minimal contact) I had the pleasure of working with a Chatty Cathy who, despite his self-professed ignorance of any real or relevant hand-to-hand training/experience, felt the need to deliver suggestions, criticisms, and praise to yours truly whilst we went about our terribly complex maneuvers (more of a gesture, really). The irony was amusing even if my partner was not.

-Oh, we now have 6 men crammed into one BOQ roughly the size of a freshmen dorm.

That's it really. We didn't have any real benchmark experiences or incidents. This coming week we'll be touring the prison (for those who don't realize, the training facility is nestled squarely b/t the Garza East and West units). The following, and final, week will be focussed on qualifying with the department firearms. I'm really not looking forward to some of my classmates handling loaded guns. There's one in particular who seems fixated on the department's stance on warning shots.

Fun!

V/R,
B.

Corrections Officer Academy, report 2

2008-03-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hey there, kids.
I'm back home with the family for Easter weekend. We've got lots to do, including egg dying and attending a High School Musical on Ice performance. Contain your envy.

Highlights from this past week of training:

-Sgt. Torres, one of the funnier human beings I've encountered in a longish time.

-Certain members of our training class have taken umbrage (all of the umbrage - every last bit of it) at the statement "there are no stupid questions". Their strategy in debunking this wrong-thinking?
You guessed it... Ego narro , proinde Ego sum nefas
[I speak, therefore I am wrong]
A veritable onslaught of the most distressingly ridiculous questions that have ever been leveled at a group of instructors.

-CS (what one might call tear gas) is fun.
Remember playing with fireworks as a kid? Yes, even those of you in CA. Remember lighting off too many pyrotechnics within a short time and close space? Well, that's what CS is like, only a tad more intense.

-OC (what one might call pepper spray) is not fun.
Remember that time you were feeling daring so you replied "make it a 10 please" to the waiter at the Thai restaurant, and he/she in return brought you something which performed a chemical peel on the entire interior of your mouth and sinuses? Well, that's not what OC is like, unless your Thai chef was a sadist spicing your food Naga Jolokia peppers.

-I definitely need a 37mm grenade launcher...for strategic sheep purposes, of course.

-There are some really great, well-meaning, and savvy people getting into the Corrections field. There are also some really sad and unbalanced ones.

V/R,
B.

Corrections Officer Academy, report 1

2008-03-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

OK,

Back home after my first week and a half of academy.

My observations thus far.

1) Damn, but a lot of the trainees are young and dumb.

2) The Sergeants are a really cool collection of Corrections Officers.

3) The BOQs are filled with dust and mold.

4) DT (Defensive Tactics) is fun, and really lets you know who is out of shape.

5) The food on the unit is...certainly nourishing.

That's all for now,
B.

No excuses, but you do get a bonus rant!

2008-02-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'm going to state this in as simple and unadorned terms as possible.

What the hell is wrong with employers/companies/head-hunters out here?

Of my myriad contacts, leads, and interviews since arriving in Texas (it's been almost a year and a half, for those of you not keeping track of such things) I have not had a SINGLE company or agent get back to me post interview.

Not one.

No calls from placement/head-hunter agencies saying how the prospective employer has gone with another applicant.

No calls or even courtesy emails from HR departments, hiring managers, or recruiters stating they appreciated my time and interest.

I've met with product development teams, product/project managers, hiring staff, interview teams, even executives. I've had interviews at corporate offices in Durham, NC, temporary offices in downtown San Antonio, and conference rooms in airport area hotels, not to mention over a dozen phone interviews.

Not one follow-up.

Not one courtesy notice.

Not one.

And you companies out here really don't think you need a technical writer with enough process writing and closed-loop experience to fill a Bible?

You really might want to reconsider that stance. If not me, consider hiring someone else who might help you to develop some kind of closed loop for outside hiring practices. It's part of the corporate hiring process these days (you know, for the last few decades) and all the other companies are doing it. You might want to give it a fair shake.

B.

I may not know Redneck, but I know Funny!

2008-01-25T08:31:00.000-08:00

And CMT's "20 Greatest Redneck Moments" was knee-slapping, laugh 'til you cry funny.
http://www.cmt.com/shows/dyn/greatest_series/129752/episode.jhtml
The anecdotes, the presenters, the incidents and discussions, it was hilarious.
I highly recommend watching it if you can. Whether you're a redneck, a yankee, or a martian, this is some funny shit.

B.

From where I stand

2008-01-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

Election Time is upon us.
Races will be run, names will be sullied, mud will be flung, and the last man standing (yes, I strongly suspect it will be a man) will not necessarily be the best man for the job.
And why is that, I wonder.
Why, year after year, term after term, are voters faced with the feeling they are choosing what may be a lesser of two evils?
Quite simply, because we are a people divided.
We are a people divided by our own devices.
Politics and religions are devices we have created to fill needs and achieve ends.
These devices have, among other things both good and ill, brought about a situation that grieves and worries me: a voting body composed largely of exclusionary interest groups and single issue voters.
Let's be honest, we have a tacit two party system, and neither is currently all that different. Both are ponderous, BIG government entities that have strayed SO far from their core tenets that each is barely recognizable.

Faced with this, how should people vote? They turn to their churches, their families and their single issue concerns.

-2nd amendment rights (gun issues)
-Healthcare
-Religious protection (for/against, it's the same issue)
-Borders & Immigration
-The War in the Middle East
-Etc, Ad nauseam

These are all big issues and legitimate concerns, the problem, IMHO, is that when touting one folks tend to ignore the others.

These big political entities: GOP, Dems, the Catholic church, the Church of Christ (sorry church-goers the moment churches do anything stronger than urging their members to get to the polls and vote as their consciences dictate, they've become nothing more than political organizations interpreting the Bible the way politicians interpret the Constitution...to suite their own ends) anyway, these big political entities, and most of the little ones all use the same tactic: furthering their agenda by attacking another.

They force/trick their members into believing that civil liberties are mutually exclusive of each other. They are not. In fact, they are interdependent, and attacking one erodes them all.

Privacy, personal religious beliefs/practices, protection of loved ones, free speech and assembly...they are ALL crucial underpinnings to our great country. Please don't let these interest groups lead you to believe otherwise. So many are willing to compromise one, without realizing they are compromising them all. All of our people deserve all of these protections: all faiths, all colors, all the groups of law-abiding citizens, even those who forget that those fellow Americans on the other side of the argument are just that: fellow Americans, they all deserve the same rights.

So go out, do your own research, make up your own mind and find your own truths.
And please, pretty please: Vote.

And caroled away

2007-12-15T21:27:00.000-08:00

Twas two weeks before Christmas, when all through the house

The Gills were all lounging, yes, even the mouse;

(Wife’s note: it’s a Chinchilla, not a damned mouse!)

The tree it was standing, but no other sign

Was showing their holiday spirit so fine;

The Wifey was resting, her second day back

From hospital stays and a nurse we called Jack;

(Wife’s note: his name was Roy, NOT Jack!)

And Evie was playing, annoying the dogs,

While they sat on Wifey like smelly old logs,

My mother was upstairs and quilting away,

With vive that was turning her son’s hair quite gray,

And I at my desktop, e-shopping of course,

Was alarmed at mad barking: volume and force!

I flew down the stairs knowing not what we faced,

Dread pirates or pumas? The dogs and I raced;

What did I hear as I made my fair landing?

Singing not raiding had dog hackles standing,

So Evie and I pushed the crazy dogs back,

Opened the door, then were taken aback,

Was it a seller of wares from distant Zupanja?

Our friends gathered ‘round, like holiday ninja,

(Wife’s note: you would NOT believe the effort he expended on that rhyme)

They had secretly planned and sneakily run

This cheerful yule mission to bring us some fun,

My family and I, stood both shocked and amazed

This statement of love left hearts warmed and eyes glazed,

Our friends stood there singing and braving the cold,

Gifting us kindly with presents like gold;

Their friendship’s the finest the world has to grant,

Expressed through their presence and Christmassy chant;

The smiles all remembered the laughs always held,

So long after sounds of their singing dispelled,

With love and affection we think of that day,

Our friends came together and caroled away;

Our Christmas came early our friends got it right,

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

2007-12-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

My wife is back home with a punk rock wig!

OK...so she's not actually sporting a wig, and in truth, compared to the mod hair-do she wore when a teen (go ahead and raise your hand if you remember mods, don't worry, I'm not looking) her hair looks pretty tame.

She's home, she's well, and all is more or less well in our micro-state of Denmark.

There...how was that for a barrage of cliches, images and references?

Cheers,
B.

Wifey out on Parole!

2007-12-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

My wife is home this weekend on a pair of "day passes" from RIOSA. It is wonderful to have her back for a day. We are doing usual Christmas stuff: bought and decorated a tree, playing Christmas music, and baking cookies.

:)
B.

Michelle is getting a weekend pass from PT/boot camp

2007-12-06T11:15:00.000-08:00

This will most likely be the last step before she comes home for good.

:)

B.

R&R

2007-12-02T07:55:00.001-08:00

Recovery & Recuperation, as much as Rest & Relaxation.

Michelle is receiving OT and PT at a local rehab center, and getting stronger.

B.

An update

2007-11-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

Michelle is recovering well.
She is surprising everyone with how quickly she bounced back within the first 24 hours.
With hope, her speedy and full recovery will continue at this rate.

B.

The Wifey incident

2007-11-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Just in case I've failed to inform any of our friends, Michelle suffered a sub-cranial hemorrhage yesterday at around noon. She was rushed to the Methodist hospital where the neurosurgeons operated, relieving the pressure on her brain.

She is presently recovering in the Neuro-ICU, and is making an astounding recovery.

More details to follow.

B.

New Joss Whedon project coming to Fox

2007-11-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

This news is courtesy of Brenda:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071101/tv_nm/dollhouse_dc;_ylt=AlF65Td.SGt3pAVvHHadlCBxFb8C

It sounds intriguing.
While Eliza Dushku is far from my favorite from Whedon's cadre of actors and actresses, I'll definitely be watching, and spread the word.

After all...it's Joss.

On a related note I'd like to remind any Joss fans out there to check out the Buffy season 8 comic series on Dark Horse. It's written by Joss and as such, is an indisputably awesome read for any fan of Joss's work and/or style.
http://www.darkhorse.com/profile/profile.php?sku=14-111
Make sure you nab the outstanding Jo Chen covers!

Cheers,
B.

Happy Halloween, and don't forget your copy of the Watchtower

2007-10-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, Halloween...I love it, my wife loves it, and our daughter love it best of all.

We had a very nice time. Wifey hung out at the house, distributing candy and good cheer. The daughter and I had a grand time trick-or-treating with some friends and neighbors. Corbin (our Frenchie) had a great if exhausting time cruising around the neighborhood with us dressed as a pumpkin, soaking up all the attention provided by kids and adults enchanted by the darling little guy.

We chatted with fellow treat-or-treaters, caught up with neighbors, saw classmates...it was like a mobile cocktail party. The daughter netted a LOT of candy.

We also found 3 pamphlets of religious propaganda.
:(

Let me be clear on this.
I don't have a problem with faith - faith is a good thing.
I don't have a problem with organized religion, in and of itself, although I'll readily admit that my own tastes run to less rather than more organization.
I don't have a problem with people espousing their religious theories or ideals within a forum among adult peers.

I DO have a problem with folks foisting there spiritual quirks and worldviews onto children by piggybacking onto a holiday unaffiliated with their faith.

If you don't like Halloween for whatever reason, be it religious, moral, or dental, that's fine.
Turn your exterior lights off, decline to decorate, whatever. Please do not take the opportunity to whore out your chosen flavor of righteous eloquence.

If parents want their children to share your views, they'll bring them to your church, temple, mosque, hall, or hallowed grove of ancient oaks.

Let me put it another way. This type of sharing is not welcome. Guess what, folks? Most people, churchgoers and non-churchgoers alike are aware of the options out there. We don't need pocket bibles or "come to our Church, we have cake!" leaflets slipped into our children's treat bags to realize this.

Your faith is right for you.
It is arrogant and presumptuous to assume that your faith is right for complete stranger.

Yours in felicity if not faith,
B.

Hazy Shade of OMG I'm tired...

2007-10-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

It's 10pm, we're just getting the kidlet to bed, after finishing (more or less) the cleaning of the house, after opening the birthday girl's presents, after having seen off seen off the last of the birthday party guests, after throwing a tolerably successful 6th birthday party for our daughter.

I am left with a few lasting impressions:

First off, my feet and throat are sore.

Second, we have a LOT of beer leftover. (Jay, time for a poker night)

Third and most importantly, we have made a lot of really great friends.

I just wrote some additional material that was chock full of my usual smartassery, but I deleted it. It was undercutting the main point of this post (other than our level of fatigue).

And that point is a simple one: we are fortunate to have met such good folk and are indeed rich in friendship.

Thanks,
B.

They always say how doctors are the worst patients...

2007-10-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

But I suspect that I could give some of the doctors of my acquaintance a run for their money.

It's the night before my daughter's birthday, and I have no voice.

I started losing it (my voice, stay on topic here) yesterday evening after yelling at my swim students for a few hours. No, I wasn't being unkind to them, I simply have to yell to be heard clearly over the din of swimmers and assorted distractions. But by mid-day today it was obvious the cold I thought I'd dodged had infiltrated my body and set-up a phlegm chop-shop in my chest. So as we were prepping the house today (then later carting around princesses) I was feeling worse and worse, until my throat was killing me from the post-nasal drip and my chest felt like it had a 26lb Frenchie on it, even when it didn't.

Luckily my darling wife ran to the store (braving crazy SA drivers in Fri evening traffic) to bring me some medicinal goodness.

Hurray for spouses who run out and get you what you need rather than poking you with a sharp stick!

Any way, I DESPISE being sick, and anything settling in my chest is especially hard on me since I'm already a trifle paranoid about obstructions in my airway (possibly a side-effect of being asthmatic).

Fun!

Speaking of pacifists and such...

2007-10-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Would anyone care to chime in on how I got onto this stupid distribution list for Care2.com?

Was it all that browsing for ecologically sensitive erotica?
Don't judge, everyone needs a vice.

Kidding.
No, really.
*Insert Eddie Izzard alternating b/t shaking his head in denial and nodding in affirmation.
**Note to self: work on those animated Eddie GIFs.
***Better note to self: ask more talented friends to work on them.

Back to the amusement that is ActionAlerts@Care2.com...I noticed the domains/servers "CareNot2.com" and "Not2Care.com" are available. Just going to file that away for possible future fun.

This week's alert headline: Al Gore, Polar Bears, and You.

I'm going to pause to let that one sink in.

OK, done? Good.

Now, Al Gore is actually proving himself to be a moderately interesting human being, despite his unfortunate taste in spouses and inability to procure a viable running mate. His film was interesting. Maybe Gore has become the nemesis to fluorocarbons that Jimmy Carter became to homelessness. Then again, maybe not.

That said, I am left wondering, my own inestimable sensitivity aside, what on earth did I do to deserve being added to this list?
Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones.
We few, we happy few, we band...oh, sorry, got carried away. I don't imagine the Care2 network cares too terribly much for our troops. It's so much easier to support wildlife than it is the hard-working soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines all around the world.

I was going to unsubscribe but I've decided instead I'm going to catalog all of these eye-catching titles and try to make some sense of the truths behind the spin. I know, I know, it'll be like wading through grimy gopher guts that are Media Research Center publications. But hey, even a kernel of objective truth will feel like a pearl of righteous victory!

Have you ever noticed how remarkably similar the rantings of the extreme right and extreme left sound?

I wonder if there's a lesson in that...

Bad blogger, no Starbucks!

2007-10-18T06:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated for a while.
But in my defense, I'm a slacker.
(You know, that justification sounded much stronger in my head)

So our house guests (my mother and nephew) have left. We're now gearing up for our daughter's birthday party, with Halloween following swiftly behind. What are we going to do for excitement once October has finished its run?

Thanksgiving?
Please.

I suppose we'll do what the stores around here do (and have been doing for almost 3 weeks), prepare for Christmas.

I've decided this coming year, in addition to starting Krav Maga with my girls, I need to get to work on the two hobbies I've always wanted to cultivate: Violin and Kyudo.

I figure between those two, I'll be able to frighten and disturb every dog and pacifist in the neighborhood.

Just need to look up the city ordinances...

Excited and nervous

2007-10-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

So it's feast or famine out here in Texas, looking for a job.

I finished up a phone interview with USAA, then received a call for a job with a defense company.
Two interviews in as many days. No guarantees of course, but I may be leaving the stay-at-home dad club.

Excited and nervous.

On a completely unrelated note, Life continues to amaze me as some of the smartest TV programming in years.

Are you a nice snake or a mean snake?

2007-10-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

My daughter often asks me if a particular animal is a mean or nice animal, often while we are visiting the zoo. My nigh invariable answer is the animal in question is not mean, but in fact is dangerous.

This is not a philosophical distinction or a matter of semantics.

Cruelty and meanness are human characteristics.

Our dubious honor within the animal kingdom is we are stewards of cruelty, visited on our own kind, as well as our environment.

Fun!

And in this exhibit we see the rare and peculiar stay-at-home dad!

2007-10-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

So I attended the Room Parent Orientation this morning at my daughter's elementary school. I had to keep checking to make sure I didn't have an enormous coffee stain on my shirt, or if I'd left the fly down on my jeans.

But of course, it wasn't my shirt (perfectly conservative thank you very much) or my jeans gathering all the curious and speculative looks...it was my genes. What exactly was a ol' XYer doing in a cafeteria full of room-moms?

Can you in the back hear me?

I was doing the same thing they were, getting involved with our children's infinitely important school years.

Shocking, I know.

And actually, I'm a rank amateur at the gig. The stay-at-home dad of one of my daughter's friend has three kids, and still does a better job of keeping his house in order.

I've learned SO MUCH from him, and from my other friends here. All these little tricks of the trade.

I have to admit, I'm getting better, a little better, all the time.

Nothing reinforces the conclusion that one is out of shape...

2007-10-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Like spending two hours in a pool with a bunch of high-school and college age swim instructors.
;)

Yep, I've started as a part-time swim instructor over at the Natatorium. It was a lot of fun to work with the kids as well as the amazing staff from Swim America. Even if it means wearing the bike-shorts that male swimmers wear there. Oh well, at least they're not speedos; that wouldn't be fun for any of the involved parties.

A reminder: Pushing Daisies starts tonight

2007-10-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

ABC, 7/8pm

If you loved Dead Like me and Wonderfalls, watch Pushing Daisies because you'll most likely love this as well.

If you never saw Dead Like Me or Wonderfalls, please extract yourself from your cave of residence and watch Pushing Daisies because you'll most likely love it.

If you didn't like Dead Like Me or Wonderfalls, well...then you should watch Pushing Daisies, if only because you deserve a chance at redemption. There really is more to TV than the OC.

My tadpole's big day

2007-10-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

Today Evie started school-age swim practice. I've watched her grow, in the space of one year, from a preschooler who wouldn't put her head under water (some irrational fear of drowning, I suspect)
to a kick-ass kindergartener who can swim all 4 strokes and hold her breath longer than some adults of my acquaintance. She's an agile little mermaid and a damned fine swimmer, probably a stronger swimmer than I was at her age. Many thanks go out to the fine staff at the Natatorium and the Swim America program.

Pushing Daisies and Dead Like Me version 2.0

2007-10-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Pushing Daisies starts this Wednesday on ABC. It's the latest creation of Bryan Fuller, genius who brought us Dead Like Me and Wonderfalls. It's starring Lee Pace (the brother from Wonderfalls), Chi McBride (from Boston Public and House), as well as some cutie named Anna Friel. It looks good. Watch it.

I noticed on IMDB that Dead Like Me is being resuscitated...without Mandy Patinkin and Bryan Fuller. I'm excited but cautious.

The error of over-association

2007-10-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching Ed Zwick's video journal for The Last Samurai, and thinking about how people sometimes (spelled o-f-t-e-n) over-associate products, be they movies, music, or actual hard merchandise, with one or more of the principle elements. When the trailers for The Last Samurai were first released I remember a great public sigh of "oh, another Tom Cruise vehicle". It really bothered me at the time, just as it bothered me when people refer to Franco Zeffirelli's Hamlet as "Mel Gibson's Hamlet".

Now this isn't meant to be a treatise defending the work of film-makers verses that of actors, so bear with me.

People get hung up on the personal characteristics of celebrities and other public figures and then transfer feelings about those characteristics to an associated product.

Tom Cruise may be a bit of a weirdo with the Scientology thing, but he's an accomplished actor and it's an error in judgment to assume that his personal oddness is going to somehow taint the movie.

Mel Gibson, again, the high-profile Catholic that folks either love to hate or hate to love, but guess what folks? He's been an arch-conservative all his career (likely all his life). It's only recently that he's started to let it bleed over into his public life. None of that really has anything to do with his ability to act.

-Prince: The man is freaky, there's no real doubt; he's also a phenomenally talented musician.

-Emeril Lugassi: His flamboyant manner may grate on me but I'm not going to refuse to try one of his recipes.

-Lindsay Lohan: err...OK, I got nothing here.

If you get caught up in the personal oddities of these people (and others) you run the risk of missing out on some of those rare jewels of art and experience. You need to be willing to move past their foibles and appreciate their work.

On a closing note, The Last Samurai was not Tom Cruise's film, although I think he did a fine job playing his part. It was Edward Zwick's film. The Last Temptation of Christ, now that was Gibson's baby. If you liked it he deserves credit; if you didn't, feel free to send him a care package of monkey poop.

I obviously need more guy friends...

2007-09-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

So I just noticed on Quicktime that the 4th installment of the Saw horror flick franchise is forthcoming.

I've seen exactly none of them.

And I like horror films.

My wife is not so much against horror films as she is against anything that might disturb her sleep. As such, we rarely see horror films at night, the only time one is allowed to watch horror films after reaching the age of sixteen.

This brings me to my point, most of my friends here are women. They are all wonderful women, met mostly through my daughter (ie, mothers of the daughter's friends). That said, I can't exactly go catch a horror flick with any of them. Chiefly there's the concern of their own tastes which let's be honest, rarely run to the Rob Zombie/James Wan/Chan-Wook Park school of film-making. Secondly, there's the issue of husbands, whom look only rarely with delight upon their wives going out for a movie with the odd creature that is your author.

Yep, I obviously need more guy friends.

New reasons to not be at the gym!

2007-09-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing like the birth a a few promising TV series to keep one's ass planted on the couch late in the evening rather than hitting the gym.

But don't worry, there's hope: these shows are likely too good to last.

That caveat aside, let's dive in, shall we?

Bionic Woman: Despite my trepidation, I find myself liking this show. The production values are high (a rarity in sci-fi programming) and the acting doesn't suck. I'm not going to say much more, because I won't be sold until the story pans out a little more fully.

Life: Regardless of the knee-jerk comparison to House, MD (right, because another Brit playing an odd but smart American automatically makes it a similar show) I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Life has more in common with other conspiracy-driven shows (Lost, X-Files) than, House, Monk, or any other quirky character-driven drama. Damian Lewis proves again that he is a talented and nuanced actor, no surprise to those of us familiar with his work...even the tragically flawed "Dreamcatcher".

Haunted: Not the most original premise, but the premiere was engaging enough to elicit my continued viewing. Unlike Sci-Fi channel's "Dresden Files", this actually seems to be written for a grown-up audience. I like Matthew Fox in Lost and he seems well suited for the lead in Haunted.

Reaper: Love it! A 21 year old slacker working at Home Depot discovers his parents sold his soul to the Devil and he therefore has to work for said entity tracking down escaped souls. Priceless. As an added bonus, the best friend character, "Sock", the the spitting image of our friend Ben from San Diego. And Ray Wise as the devil, how cool is that?

Heroes: Yes, I realize I'm a bit Johnny Come Lately here, but we just watched the first two episodes of Heroes season 1 and we were very impressed. Damned fine TV.

"Ask yourself, do you feel safer? Well do you, punk?"

2007-09-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

While discussing concealed carry, a friend asked me, "So do you feel safer?"

This got me thinking about safety again.

For those of us with families, safety is a topic that merits a fair amount of consideration. Not that you single folks are off the hook, but I found becoming a parent magnified my interest in issues of safety and security.

Personally, I try to make a distinction between actual safety, and the perception of safety. Safety's dark mirror is danger, actual danger and the perception thereof. People sometimes make much ado about safe neighborhoods, safe schools, even safe cars (hats off to Volvo for one of the most successful and pervasive automotive marketing campaigns to date). My point here is these concepts speak more to perception of safety, rather than actual safety. Crime happens wherever you have people, from big cities to small towns, from rich suberbs to downtown tenements. I'm not denying that population density and socioeconomic level effect crime rates; I'm simply pointing out that criminals are people, people are mobile, and are therefore going to commit crime wherever the plum opportunity exists. Safe schools? Don't make me laugh. The idea of a safe school is a simple extension of the safe neighborhood concept. Safe cars are driven by safe drivers. I'll take a ride with a conscientious, defensive driver in a VW Beetle (an old one) before a ride with a hot-headed, self-important road-rager in a Volvo XC90 any day of the week.

This brings me to preparation.
We've all heard one variation or another on the "6 Ps".
Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

This is why families make disaster plans, put together go-bags, and utilize alarm systems on homes.

It's better to have all of these things and not need them, than need them and not have them. It's not about feeling safer. It's about taking steps in preparation against the presence of danger. We can't predict where or when disaster will strike so, we prepare, we plan and we train.

And this is why CHL/CCW holders carry concealed.

Things I've learned, episode 1: Texas

2007-09-20T08:35:00.001-07:00

We've been in TX a year and I have managed to learn a bit about state, as well as a good deal about San Antonio. Contrary to the concern expressed by not a few folks back in CA, we didn't land in a little cow town filled with rednecks and arch-conservative oil industry WASPs.

In no particular order:

-We've checked the figures and it IS most certainly true; Texas is freaking gigantic. They have land here, and lots of it. It amazes me to drive to the inside of the 1604 loop (more of the freeways here later) and find 1+ acre lots of land. There are even large lots to be found further in. The developers here are still able to build out, rather than up.

-Texas, at least central Texas, is a remarkably green place. I was expecting a much more arid climate here. I realize there are parts of Texas that fit that description, but San Antonio is nicely green for most of the year, dormant lawns notwithstanding.

-Texans are proud of being Texans. Now this is an interesting point. Two days ago I was tooling around the city in my car and I heard the latest of the "Real Men of Genius" commercials on the radio. Now, those of you who know me understand how it causes me honest to goodness pain acknowledging Bud Light (or any other pilsener) as beer, but let's face it, the RMG ad campaign is fucking hilarious. The ad salutes Mr. Way Too Proud of Texas Guy and it's an unnervingly accurate representation of a certain contingent of Texans. RMG Of course, most of the Texans who fit this description likely attend Cowboy Church. (I honestly wish I could say that was enough on that subject but as easily imagined, I'll make my way back to Cowboy churches shortly). However, most of the folks if met out here do not fit that rather colorful description. Point in fact, most of our neighbors, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances out here aren't even from Texas, let alone San Antonio. We've met some natives, and they're all amazing people, but by an large, San Antonio is as much a transplant city as...you guessed it, San Diego. We've met plenty of people who really like it here, but not nearly as many of the "Don't mess with Texas" variety as we'd feared. I will say that Texans are more cohesive than Californians. Texans tend to stick together in a way that I didn't see in California. As much as I'd like to crack a joke about that, I think I'll just say we really like it here, and have met some amazing and friendly folks.

-Mexican food. Oh boy, Mexican food. We've found one (1) restaurant in San Antonio that serves food that we'd identify in a line-up as Mexican food. All of the others (yes, all) serve food that resembles Mexican food to varying degrees. Some indicators you are eating Tex-Mex rather than Mexican food: your refried beans have no cheese on them (this vexes my daughter immensely), your beef tamales are filled with ground beef with only a hint of seasoning (they call it picadillo beef, I call it...well that's not really important), your beef chile relleno, assuming you can find one will be served with ground beef, your beef taco will be filled with ground beef. Are we seeing a pattern here yet? Oh, the enchiladas, NO RED SAUCE FOR YOU!!! Your enchilada sauce choices are verde (excellent), brown gravy (huh?), or...chili con carne (WTF?)! Yes, many places here serve enchiladas covered in watery chili. The mind boggles. There is, however, a silver lining here, two of them, actually. The first is that Texan Mexican restaurants almost invariably make excellent beef fajitas. My personal theory is that making fajitas is close enough to BBQing for Texans to get into it. The other silver lining is the Los Robertos on Bitters Road, just west of the 281. It is an honest to goodness, Mexican Taquería! There we can enjoy our favorites, from tacos and tamales filled with seasoned and SHREDDED beef or pork, huge carne asada nachos plates, or even carne asada fries.

-BBQ. Texans kick some serious ass when it comes to making BBQ. Rudy's, Grady's, and a host of other restaurants (not including Bill Millers, the McDonalds of BBQ) serve up outstanding BBQ every day of the week.

-Drivers here and the freeways they abuse. Really only two points of interest here. Yield signs. Some demented city planner decided it would be fun to pepper the cloverleafs and off-ramps with yield signs. This is problematic since San Antonio drivers seem to have only the loosest grasp on yielding. Related to this is the issue of merging and weaving. Simply put, this is apparently a much neglected topic in Texas driving classes.

Churches. This is definitely the place for a person who has an affinity for big-ass churches. The churches here are not as in-your-face as churches I found in Arkansas (after 15 years I still remember the "Not making it to church, if Satan can't make you bad he'll just make you busy" sign we stumbled onto in Rustleville). However, there are certainly a LOT of them. The most interesting phenomenon though, would be the Cowboy Churches, or Cowboy worship. I'm not going to put in any direct link because, well I really don't want to encourage that particular flavor of strangeness. However, if you're interested in attending a cowboy church, or just interested in sharing with me an amused if slightly nervous chuckle, then just Google "Cowboy Church". You'll see what I mean in short order.

More later.

Lies our parents told us

2007-09-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

So my lovely wife has yet again inspired me. Last time it was giving white socks a try, this time it's inflicting...err, sharing my deranged thoughts with anyone stumbling by this space no longer for rent.

Without further ado...

We were watching LA Ink last night, yes we're so wild, and Kat (the owner/star of the shop, of late from Miami Ink) said something that got me to thinking. She said how she really hates it when people say how "everything happens for a reason." Kat went on to say how she believed that there were some things (ie, events) from which there were no good lessons to be learned.

Kat, in case you happen to read this, I agree whole-heartedly.

"Everything happens for a reason"

The implication is that everything happens for a good reason.

This is a load of bull.

Now I understand that when things go wrong in life people seek solace in rationalization, justification, and other exercises in everyday deception. I get it, really, I do. When tragedy strikes, folks want to make believe that their loss is part of some bigger plan, some grander scheme, a casualty in the war b/t good verses evil, Mac verses PC, Coke verses Pepsi (sorry Pepsi drinkers, Coke won years ago, slew Pepsi and now wears your cola-deity like a sock-puppet).

Here's the rub, this "everything happens for a reason" schtick? It's just another one of those lies our parents told us. We, in turn, have told them to our children. I know, I'm a parent now. All those maxims about hard-work, diligence, fairness, and just deserts...they are all lies, comforting little lies told to children in hope of making them feel safe and secure, so they'll grow up healthy, wealthy and wise. Children grow up (or out, especially those chubby American kids) and they become disabused of these fables. It's not a bad thing, it's part of their awakening to the world.

As adults I feel we should look tragedy straight in the face. To do anything less cheapens your loss.